“A trap is only a trap if you don't know about it. If you know about it, it's a challenge.” ― China Miéville, King Rat   

Whenever I hear the word “should,” in a coaching conversation, it leaves me wondering, “what is this should all about?”    

The trap of the “Should”:   

The word Should as per the dictionary is, used to indicate obligation / duty, typically when criticizing someone's actions. These actions or non-actions, can be your own and sometimes in comparison as well. 

During coaching, enabling the client to explore the “should,” in their context, enables them to unravel all dimensions of it. “Shoulds,” which make it feel like compulsion, come from a space of authority & control.   

Coaching is a process of empowerment enabling the client to recognise own sense of agency which is the sense of control that they feel in their life. Their own capacity to influence their thoughts and behaviour, and having faith in own ability to handle a wide range of tasks and situations. This sense of agency helps to be psychologically stable, yet flexible in the face of conflict or change.   

As a Coach, are you partnering with your Client?   

The challenge of a “Should” is that it is uninspiring and demotivating as it leaves you feeling compelled. Dealing with a should is about creating more clarity about it, eg: exploring all dimensions of the “Should,” like what it is, what makes it important, where is it coming from etc and considering what are those that are important for you to go ahead with at all, go ahead with now, go ahead with later or drop altogether. Let the client develop their clarity, choose and decide for themselves and not be directed. As a client, go in with your eyes open as to what are the potential “compulsions” that are making you stick with it. It’s never enough nor too late to take a pause, reflect to surge ahead.    

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