“A trap is only a trap if you don't know about it. If you know about it, it's a challenge.”
― China Miéville, King Rat
Whenever I hear the word “should” in a coaching conversation, it leaves me wondering:
“What is this should all about?”
The Trap of the “Should”
The word “should”, as per the dictionary, is used to indicate obligation/duty, typically when criticizing someone's actions.
These actions or non-actions can be:
- Your own, or
- In comparison to others.
Exploring the “Should” in Coaching
During coaching, enabling the client to explore the “should” in their context helps unravel its dimensions.
“Shoulds” often feel like compulsion and come from a space of authority & control.
Coaching is a process of empowerment, enabling the client to:
- Recognize their own sense of agency:
- The sense of control they feel in their life.
- Their capacity to influence their thoughts and behavior.
- Their faith in their ability to handle a wide range of tasks and situations.
This sense of agency helps them remain:
- Psychologically stable
- Yet flexible in the face of conflict or change.
As a Coach, Are You Partnering with Your Client?
The challenge of a “should” is that it is uninspiring and demotivating as it leaves one feeling compelled.
Dealing with a should is about creating clarity:
- Exploring all dimensions of the “should,” such as:
- What it is.
- What makes it important.
- Where it is coming from.
- Considering options like:
- What is important to go ahead with.
- What can be addressed now, later, or dropped altogether.
Let the client develop their own clarity, choose, and decide for themselves—rather than being directed.
For Clients
Go into the process with your eyes open to the potential “compulsions” making you stick with the “should.”
It’s never too late to take a pause, reflect, and then surge ahead.
